Helpful hint: don’t ask adoptive moms how much their kids cost
Posted by Heather on November 29, 2007
Just because we like to shake things up around here, today the Mother Tongue welcomes guest blogger Skila Brown, an awesome local mom who has a lot to say about adoption. Personally, this is a subject that interests me a great deal since my own brother and his wife are in the process of adopting a baby girl from Ethiopia. You can follow along with their “paper pregnancy” here. In the mean time, let’s give it up for Skila!
Talking Adoption: A Primer for Non-Adoptive Families
November is National Adoption Awareness Month! As a local adoptive mother of three, I’d love to take this time to get on an adoption soapbox for just a minute or two. And you, the people of Lexington, need to listen. I know this is true because I see you in the mall. I talk to you in line at the grocery store. And I sometimes try to run and hide from you on the soccer sidelines. You need help, my fellow neighbors. Help learning how to talk to adoptive families about adoption. And I am here to be your guide.
For starters, let me get one thing out of the way right now. There’s a difference between asking questions about my family because you (or someone you love) are starting an adoption or are seriously considering it or simply because you are just nosy and curious. It takes me about three seconds to figure out, just by sniffing, which category you fall in. If you are in the former, by all means—ask away. But if you fall in the latter, I must shake my head and wonder why your parents failed to teach you any manners. Why you feel justified in asking me personal questions about my family when I wouldn’t dream of doing the same about yours. And why you are rude enough to do this in front of my children.
Here’s a list of questions you have asked me while you met me in some public place here in town:
Are they adopted?
What are they?
Where’d you get ‘em?
Where are they from?
Are they related?
Do they know they’re adopted?
Are the real?
How much were they?
Do you know anything about their real mom?
Why did she give them away?
And…some of my favorite unsolicited comments from you over the past few years:
Too bad you couldn’t have any of your own!
That’s so sad that their mother didn’t love them.
They must look like their Daddy!
I could never love someone who wasn’t my blood.
And…comments made directly to my children:
You are very lucky to be living here with these good people!
DO…YOU…SPEAK…ENGLISH??
Although it’s humorous to read back through these now and roll my eyes with a sigh, when I am waiting in line in a store with my three little ones, who are busy bouncing, singing, jumping, and testing out the candy bars, it’s anything but.
If you are curious about adoption because you think you may be interested in it, then by all means, ask advice from those families you see at the mall. But if you’re simply trying to make “small talk,” then take a minute to breathe deeply and ponder whether your question is any of your business.
I’m happy to talk about adoption in general with anyone at any time. But I would never give out personal information about my child’s own adoption story to another person, least of all a stranger. If the question feels like it’s none of your business, then it probably isn’t.
If, after reading this and sitting in the naughty chair for two minutes, you still cannot control your nosy instincts and must proceed with the Twenty Questions while we are waiting in line to pay for our milk, then try to be a bit more choosy with your words.
Instead of: Real parents, Try Saying: First parents/Biological parents/birthparents
Instead of: He’s an adopted kid. Try Saying: He joined their family through adoption.
Instead of: Are they real sisters? Try Saying: Are they biologically related?
Instead of: Did they cost a lot? Try Saying: Is adoption expensive?
With the number of adoptive families in the US continuing to grow rapidly, the day will come when I can run an errand with my children and no one will seem to notice or care. I can see that golden sunrise in the near future.
But in the mean time, try to control yourselves when we meet on the streets. Use your good manners, watch what you say, and please. Stop. Touching. My. Children.
LizzyBee said
This is very interesting, thanks for sharing how to handle this, and sharing your funnies. I am shocked that people can be so rude sometimes.
My cousin is going through an international adoption currently too.
Julie said
Wow. Wow. Some people are so incredibly rude and stupid! I am so sorry that you and your children have had to listen to these questions/statements! I have a feeling you handle it very well though. I hope this turns on a lightbulb for some people!
Kim said
As a fellow adoptive mom in Lexington… thank you! I love talking about adoption, but I am also tired of being bombarded with nosy questions any time we step out to buy a loaf of bread. Thank you! I hope a few of our fellow neighbors take your message to heart.
tim said
While I agree it gets tiresome, most questions to me and my wife are really innocent, and we look at it as a chance to share how great adoption is. We try to gently correct people’s ignorant language and quickly go on to talking about the miracle of adoption.
Lisa B. said
You’re not alone in the “noisy questions” department. It doesn’t matter what it is–some people just can’t help themselves…I am 40 and childless, married for years, and we STILL get asked about kids. Do we have any, why not, and my favorite “don’t you like children?” I am old enough now not to get uncomfortable with it and just smile and give my pat answer, “No, we don’t like’em. Don’t like puppies, rainbows, or money, either.” They either get the joke or are offended and go away. Both are ok by me. PS. Heather, I enjoy your blog and check for updates daily; you’re a great writer and hugely entertaining to read.
Allison said
As someone who grew up in a family with adoption (my dad was adopted as a child), I never had any negative associations with it until I started to hear idiotic rude questions like the ones you listed. For several reasons I think being an adoptive parent may be in my future, and then I’m sure I’ll seek out other adoptive parents for their perspective. But talking about children as if they are things instead of wonderful little people is just inappropriate.
PS – If this is Skila who went to Centre, hi!
Laurel said
I think that, Skila, you may be being a little too sensitive about some (not all) of these questions.
Curiosity and asking questions are not bad things, by saying so you are extolling ignorance and that I cannot agree with.
However, if someone is smirking, giggling or otherwise being outwardly rude when they ask you a question, by all means clock them in the head with your purse.
I find your last list to be one of equivalent terms. The latter terms, however, are politically correct, which I always felt uncomfortable using, because I find them to be more condescending and placating than actually literally true.
Also, welcome to the world of soccer moms! From my experience the only thing they talk about on the sidelines is their families!
KGJ said
As adoptive parents my husband and I have been thru the comment gammit. From “What’s wrong with you all (medically)?” to “I think you should wait, you never know what may happen.” to “Awww ya’ll gonna get a crack baby?” All of these comments came from FAMILY members!! So when we got the looks and the comments in the grocery store, those were nothing!!!
Leigh said
After over five years of fertility treatments, my sister at 34 gave birth to a baby boy, who was quite surprisingly followed four years later by a little sister. She found it particularly humorous when the medical staff said she was of “advanced maternal age.” When she started taking both of them into public, she was subjected to comments like “Are those your grandbabies?”
Two years ago, my sister and her husband added yet another child, who was created by our meth-addicted cousin. My biological nephew and niece are tall and thin for their age, with dark features; their new little sister is short, chubby, blue-eyed, and blonde. You can imagine the comments they receive in checkout lines–”Is that one by a different father?” The worst comments come from our relatives, who ask, “Is she normal?”
My nephew, ever the little chivalrous knight, responded to one tactless person by trying to explain, and what he said ended up lightening the mood tremendously. He pointed to the baby and said, “She’s our new baby,” then pointing to his sister by birth, “but she’s my diabolical sister.”