The Christmas Crafting Hall of Shame

When a 5-year-old makes you a popsicle stick picture frame decorated with wagon wheel pasta and gaudy drips of glitter, it’s sweet and endearing. Because, you know, they made it themselves with their wee little fingers, and all for you. Aww.

However, when you’re pushing 40 and the quality of your crafting is still analogous to the Proverbial Preschool Picture Frame, then people will begin to wish you’d just bought them some toasty warm Isotoners instead of, say, the Nativity scene made from hot-glued pipe cleaners. Do not be that person.

Granted, I have received many lovely hand-crafted items for Christmas: scarves, cross-stitch samplers, decorative plates. But I have also received some homemade stuff so heinous that only my loyalty to friends and family prevents me from giving you the dirty details.

Well, maybe just the one: my ex-aunt (through marriage) got the idea one Christmas to doll up all us gals in matching shirts that she decorated herself. These shirts, they were epic. Picture: a white sweatshirt with a fat carousel pony stenciled on it it. The pony and its striped pole are colored in with gold, green, and red glitter. At the top of the pole is a green plastic jewel the size of a kumquat, with real live ribbons cascading artfully down from the bottom of that jewel. I wanted to break her BeDazzler over my knee.

I was a teenager deeply into ironic grunge fashion (oh to have those years and that body back), so you may imagine that I was willing to set myself on fire in order to avoid having to wear that shirt. My mother’s glare was more convincing, though, so I put on the stupid shirt and grimaced for the camera. I will never run for public office because I know that picture is out there somewhere, waiting to surface.

And let us not forget that kissing cousin to ugly crafts: giving people baggies of chocolate chips or mini marshmallows accompanied by a witty poem that identifies them as something like snowman poop. You know exactly what I’m talking about. There’s nothing wrong with this sort of thing as long as it is a) not intended to be a substitute for an actual gift and b) something that someone would actually want to have. But I absolutely draw the line at the Santa’s Sock poem, which requires that you bag up one of your husband’s dirty, hole-y sweatsocks and give it to someone else. On purpose. Why on Earth would you inflict such a thing on someone you presumably like? “Here, Margot, Merry Christmas! it’s a filthy sock! Because that’s how much I value our friendship.”

So if you spent the week before Christmas hot-gluing googly eyes to candy canes, and you are not an elementary school teacher? Please reconsider this course of action for next year. There are plenty of ways to give gifts that inimitable personal touch, and most of them do not require an ill-advised trip to Michael’s.

And now a reward for you faithful readers: Here under the bandwidth-friendly cut, you will find a gallery of some of the ugliest, weirdest, laziest and just plain tackiest homemade holiday crafts I could find. Some of these people are unrepentant repeat offenders and are therefore featured more than once.

The Tampon Angel

“Candy Cane Crown” design from the Gem Sweater Lady.
(Make some time to look through all seven scintillating pages of
her hand-decorated sweaters. Steer clear of her music video, though.)

 

Creepy “Primitive” Cats. With scarves!

Santa Toilet Seat Cover: “He sees you when you’re…well, you know…”

 

Crocheted ornament cover that looks like a poisonous jellyfish

 

Crocheted Candy Cane Cozies.
Because sometimes candy canes get cold too.

 

Angel ornament made with handy materials you can find in any prison

 

Raggedy Ann crocheted ornament

 

And don’t forget Raggedy Andy

Martha Stewart is weeping right now. WEEPING.